I just wanna daance...

I ain’t no Michael Jackson that’s for sure, but I sure as hell like to daance.

Some people say to me…why do you always want to daance on tables/bars/seats and all I say is…because it makes me feel good, real good. Sure it has got me kicked out of bars a fair few times, but shit I have had some fun.

I have cut mad shapes in random places all over the world, but when I was diagnosed with bipolar; it was the first time I have ever danced in hospital. To start with, it sure as hell wasn’t a happy dance. When I first got admitted to hospital, I was so angry at everything – just throwing shit at the wall...screaming fuck shit how did this happen?? I’m not usually an angry person, haven’t thrown a punch in my life, but all I wanted to do was punch the wall in. The thing with bipolar is that when you’re at the high end (manic), you think you are going to save the world and you are partying on this big happy rainbow. Then when you realise the shit storm is hitting, I can’t even explain how it feels and I don’t ever want to have to feel that pain again.

My first step towards getting a smile back on my face, was a visit from my Mum (Ali), Dad (Brucey) and big bro (Aaron). When they arrived they brought with them a whole lot of love, cheeseburgers and my big headphones and Ipod. There is not much to do in the mental health ward, I was bored shitless, especially when you can’t relax because they dose you up so much on medication.  I would hang out every day for the visits from my family.  My family are the biggest legends and their visits every single day and their amazing love is the reason I am here writing this blog. There is another thing that helped me survive in hospital and that is my love of music and dancing.

After the legends dropped off my tunes the next visit they came in and found me cutting mad shapes all around the hospital lounge. I had made a bandana out of a towel and was going to town, just having this epic dance off with myself. I think I got kicked out of that side of the ward for dancing too hard. When everyone else had gone to bed and I couldn’t sleep, I would sneak out into the lounge and go mad, just cutting a rug to all kinds of music…. It was crazy, I just felt so in tune with the music and was listening to songs that had a really positive message and it got me so psyched. It was the first time when I thought, yeah shit I have bipolar, but fuck it, at least I know what it is now, so I can sure as hell can beat it.  If I was starting to feel down in hospital, I would just grab my headphones and daance and I would all of a sudden forget about all the shit going on. They say daancing good gets you the girls. I'm not that good, so I don't know if that's right, but I sure as hell know that dancing like mad, makes you laugh your ass off!! There was one song that I got hooked on and is the inspiration for this blog. Go have a little daance to it if you like cutting shapes and bear hugs…

The 2 Bears: Bear Hug

Yewww!! I just had a call from my amigo Robbie to say we are going to have a little daance off with the biggest legend ever Tommy Franklin aka Byron Bay Dancing Man in Bondi tomorrow morning…Hells yeah!!! So thank you to my amazing family and friends, for bringing the love and the music when I was nearly down and out…because that made me daance and daancing makes me happy:)))xx

What the hell is bipolar?

According to Sane Australia bipolar disorder affects the normal functioning of the brain, so that the person experiences extreme moods-very high and over-excited or very low and depressed. People with bipolar can become high, over-excited and reckless or imagine they are more important or influential than they are in real life. They can also become extremely low, feeling helpless and depressed.

I had no idea what bipolar really was until I ended up in the mental health ward of Manly hospital in Feb 2012. I knew that my Dad Brucey had bipolar, but it is not until you experience a manic episode yourself, that you really understand. It was a crazy lead up to my first manic episode. I had been put on antidepressants 3 months earlier after having really bad anxiety and depression on a trip to Mexico. I nearly didn't make it back from this trip and had to take a month of work as depression hit me hard. Then 4 weeks after being prescribed antidepressants the little badboys started to kick in - I called them my 'pepe' pills, because they made me feel so damn good. They say that when the medication kicks in a dark cloud lifts - for me it felt like the sun came out and I felt alive again. For 3 months I was getting shit done and loving it. I was working as a brand manager for 3 tequila and vodka brands and I was getting so excited about throwing these crazy tequila party’s. I was starting to live off less and less sleep, but somehow I still had so much energy.

Then at the start of Feb when I thought I finally had everything under control, I was actually heading for my first manic episode. On Friday night I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years. I moved to Manly where I was throwing some tequila parties for the Aussie Surf Open. By Wednesday night I had racked up a few thousand in bar tabs for a surf team on my personal account. On Thursday I walked in to my work dressed as a Jimador (Mexican tequila harvester) and said I wanted to quit to start a charity called 'Where the party at?' On Friday night I partied until 6am and then went straight out surfing and I still felt so good. On Saturday I made a post on my Facebook page saying I was starting a 'where the party at' tour around Australia. Mum and Dad saw this and were getting super worried. Saturday arvo my friends came across from Bondi to make sure I was ok and they managed to somehow convince me to go back to Coogee. I had a sleep and then said I’m going out partying and there was no was they were going to stop me. I partied in the cross that night and tried to break up a fight and got punched by some muscle man and I ended up in hospital. I snuck out of hospital and jumped in a cab back to Manly. 

The next morning I decided I wanted to raise money for the SURFAID Charity, so I went shopping at surfection co-op. I filled a trolley with sunnies and clothes and I thought it was a rad idea to buy them and auction them off - crazy when you think I would have raised way less that I paid for sure. Lucky I couldn’t pay for them. That’s the thing with having a manic episode you get these rad ideas in your head and it's all you can think about, you thinks it's meant to be, but your not thinking rationally like normal. I mean the thing is you are actually trying to do really good things to help people, but you don’t know where you stop.  At the time it felt like I was having the time of my life, but looking back now I realise by this stage, I was on a party bus and no one else was with me. Below are a few pics during the Aussie Open.

About an hour later after stealing a surf club paddle board and paddling around the surf comp, I was taken to hospital and my mum and dad had just arrived from NZ to see this happen. This was the most hectic experience of my life. The one time where I was happy and I thought things were all falling into place they actually came crashing down.

I was later to find out in hospital, the reason I acted like this was because I am a bipolar bear. This was so damn hard to accept, but at least I knew what I had to deal with now. Not everyone has to experience a manic episode to find out they have bipolar, but I was on the wrong medication and this sent me into the high zone. I spent most of my time in hospital thinking about how I could make something positive from having bipolar. I wanted something to focus on that would stop me being so angry about having bipolar. I wanted something that would help me and help others cope with having bipolar. I wasn’t sure what it was but it was going to happen!

If I was a bear I would be a bi-polar bear...

Heyo! I decided I would write a few words each week and maybe snap a few pics to show what it’s like to live life with Bi-polar disorder.

When I first found out my Dad had Bi-polar I had no idea what it was. Now I wish I did so I could have been there for him when he was struggling with it over 10 years ago. My Dad Brucey is a bloody legend. He taught me to surf which is now one of my biggest passions, and is one of the coolest people I know. We are normally the last two standing on the d-floor on a night out. That’s the thing with mental illness, sometimes the people having the most fun on the outside are the ones battling and trying to hide all the pain on the inside, just to make everyone else happy.

The way Dad was acting, and what he was actually feeling were complete opposites - that was me for years. My mates all thought I was this happy, go lucky dude loving life, but my family saw the side that was hit with depression and anxiety. I didn’t want to do anything about it because I was embarrassed and thought I had no reason to be sad as I had the raddest family and friends. It wasn’t until 2 years ago that my anxiety and depression got so bad I finally went to see the doctors.

I was packing myself in the waiting room. I mean here I am, a dude that should be able to handle myself, but as soon as I opened my mouth and said the words “I need help”, it felt like years of anxiety lifted from my shoulders. I finally didn’t have to pretend I was happy all of the time.

It still was a crazy journey before I was diagnosed with Bi-polar. I was first diagnosed with perfectionism, nearly didn’t make it out of a hotel room in Mexico, after a really bad anxiety attack, and was misdiagnosed with depression and prescribed the wrong medication. This led to me having a manic episode during the Australian Surf Open and ending up in Sydney’s Manly hospital. It was in Manly hospital that I found out that I am actually on this planet to be a Bi-polar bear, just like my Dad Brucey.

Yep we have ups and downs like everyone else, but if we find the right recipe we can have the raddest life too. I have been lucky enough to find the right recipe and my ingredients are my epic family, friends, the ocean, surfing, music, dancing, loving, doing rad shit and a little bit of medication to keep me balanced.

To finish I would like to give everyone who was there for me a BIG BEAR HUG for helping me through the rough times. You are rad as hell and I will never forget it. Yewww!!