The first time I really started to
understand how depression works, is when I saw the quote “depression is a flaw
in chemistry not character”. This made me understand that depression is a
chemical imbalance, it runs in the family and sometimes you need to take
medication to fix it. Medication is a hard thing to talk about for me because I
have had good experiences with it and really bad experiences. For some people
taking medication is a reality every day, so we need to start talking about it if
we are going to beat mental illness.
When I was struggling with depression and I
went to seek help from the doctor, I was hoping like hell I wouldn’t be put on
medication. I thought I could fix it myself. That day I escaped without
medication and I was referred to a psychologist for CBT (cognitive behavioural
therapy). For the next month the CBT sessions were all about trying to change
the way I think to beat depression and anxiety. This helped for a while, but
when I suffered from really bad anxiety and depression on a trip to Mexico, the
CBT did not cut it. I was lucky to make it back to Sydney and when I did I knew
that I had to go and see a psychiatrist to get help.
I was diagnosed with depression that day
and I was put on anti-depressants. I was so embarrassed that I was on
medication. I didn’t tell anyone apart from my girlfriend and family and when I
picked up the prescription from the Pharmacy, I would always make sure no one
was watching. Apparently it would take 4-6 weeks for the medication to kick in.
Shit when it kicked in I changed the name of the medication to my ‘pepe pills’,
because damn they made me feel good. It’s crazy, the simple things like going
for a coffee or having a shower in the morning I couldn’t believe how good it felt.
This gave me hope that things could get better and it changed my life…for a
short time. Unfortunately these anti
depressants made me feel way too good. 3 months later during a week partying at
the Aussie Surf Open I had a manic episode and ended up in Manly Hospital.
It turns out that I should never have been
on these anti depressant because my Dad had bipolar and it was part of my
chemistry. The anti depressants sent me too high and I thought I was living the
dream, when actually I was doing the opposite. I was so pissed off at the world
when I went into hospital that I didn’t want to take any medication, because I
just didn’t trust it. Hospital was hell and I quickly realized that the only
way I was going to ever get out of hospital, was to get better and to get
better I needed to take my medication.
I was diagnosed with bipolar in hospital
and put on lithium to balance out my mood and protect me from the extreme highs
and lows. I hated lithium at the start because it dulled my mood and made it hard
actually feel things. When I got out of hospital I had to change the lithium
levels a bunch of times to get it right – too much medication and depression
would kick in, not enough and I would start feeling edgy and I couldn’t sleep.
I have been on lithium medication for 2
years now. Sure it is a pain in the ass to take every morning, but I have
accepted that for now it is part of my recipe for managing bipolar. I don’t
want to risk ending up in hospital again. Everyday I am learning new ways to
manage bipolar, so that one day I can be medication free. For me It’s all about
doing more of the things that make me feel good like surfing and hanging with
good humans and less of the things that make me feel shit. The way I see it,
medication is not putting a bandage over my true feelings, it is helping fix my
chemical imbalance so that the storm can pass and I can enjoy this amazing
thing called life.
BIG BEAR HUG
