Good feeling...

Have you ever had that feeling in life where you think at last everything is going right…when only hours later you’re completely lost? We had just set up Onewave back in Feb last year and I was so frickin excited, because it finally felt like I had bipolar for a reason…to raise awareness for mental health and encourage others use the ocean and surfing as a way of coping.

I set up the Onewave Instagram account and it was helloo to OW Insta surfing and good-bye to sleep. I did a couple of all nighters just trying to get the Insta going. I didn’t realise at the time how much lack of sleep impacts someone with bipolar. All of sudden I couldn’t sit still and felt so so edgy. Lucky my buddy Sam was around and we just walked the streets of Bondi for a while and then just sat and watched the waves. Then the next day I couldn’t get this song out of my head…”oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling yeah”. When I was getting ready for a surf I could hear it, when I was sitting out in the ocean I could hear it. It felt like there was a DJ playing up on the beach, but I was the only one that could hear it. The surf was the only place I could really relax. I didn’t really want to be around people, which was crazy for me. If I wasn’t in the ocean you could find me sitting on the South Bondi grass mind surfing with my headphones on.

One day later my parents had arrived from NZ to hangout. We were having breakfast at a café In Bondi when I decided I wanted to go and check the surf. I had my headphones on and must have been dancing too hard down the beach, because half an hour later I was getting handcuffed and taken to hospital. I have never been so angry in my life…I mean I had dealt with been taken to hospital once for a manic episode and I deserved it that time, but a second time, when I was just dancing around, not hurting anyone that fuckin hurt big time.  Why did it take 6 Police to handcuff a dude who just wants to dance around to ‘good feeling’? Seriously!

I really gave it to the ambulance staff, so sorry about that, but that’s what happens when you go from having a good feeling to having the worst feeling…for me that was arriving at the mental health ward of the Prince Of Whales Hospital in Darlinghurst.  I was out of control when I got in there. I just couldn’t believe I was back in hospital again. The only way they could settle me down was an injection in my ass, but I tried to fight it, until it felt like they were going to break my arm, then I gave up. Then I woke up I was devastated…the highest high to the lowest low. It was such a battle to get through my first hospital stint and I was a back again a year later when I thought I was doing everything right. That’s the thing with bipolar, sometimes when you’re feeling so so good things can actually go so so wrong real quick. That is such a hard thing to deal with.

I knew I had to find something positive to focus on real quick in hospital: For me that was:

• ·      Visits from my Family everyday
• ·      Music and my big headphones – When everyone else was sleeping I would just cut big shapes around the lounge. Because I couldn’t surf this was the best therapy for me. It made me laugh and kept me sane. I wish I had videos it would probs be the worst dancing ever, but man it felt good
• ·      Yoga with my music – I’m no yogi but this was my escape from people yelling in my air and asking me if I had any ciggies
• ·      Planning Onewave ideas for when I got out – this kept me made me think this hospital visit happened for a reason and gave me hope
• ·      Meeting new amigos in there and hearing their story

After 5 days I managed to get out of hospital and get back in the ocean with my Dad and my brother. The ‘good feeling’ song had gone in my head and the Ocean was the feeling I really needed…onewave really is all it takes. Over 1 year later and I have not been back to hospital. I’m a bipolar bear through and through and I have a weird and fun outlook on life, but for me that’s living and that’s what us bipolar bears do best. Thanks to all my amigos for the love and support during the tough times…I will never forget it!

BIG BEAR HUG XX

What’s normal anyway…

I spent so many years worrying about what people think. Trying to act happy all of the time, because I thought it wasn’t normal to go through a mental funk and be down on life. This is crazy because what’s normal anyway? I think the sooner you realize that being normal is whatever you want it to be…the sooner you get to accept and celebrate your inner weirdness.

It’s not as easy as it sounds though. When you go through a mental funk you start to question everything about your life and all you want to do is fit in and be normal. The stigma surrounding mental health doesn’t help. Some people who have not been through it or seen loved ones suffer, throw around the terms anxiety, depression and bipolar like they are just an excuse for crazy behavior. I have heard people throw around the word bipolar, to explain someone who is up one day and down the next “oh they must have bipolar”– just because they think they are not acting what they think is normal. People need to get off their ass and realize that we were not born on this earth to be normal and if people are acting a little different either embrace it, or leave them alone to do their thing.

I used to want to be normal and be friends with everyone. That was before I nearly lost my life to bipolar disorder.  I went from doing marketing for a tequila brand and having all these party friends to finding out pretty quickly who my real friends really were. When you disappear to Manly hospital for 2 weeks and then NZ for 3 months, you really find out who your true friends are…the ones that will come and visit you in the mental health hospital. The ones that will just hang out and listen to you, no matter what. The ones that will get you back out in the ocean surfing, when you really want to stay in bed. The ones that will help you find a way to share your story to give you hope that you can turn this funk into something positive. The ones that make you feel good no matter what. I owe my life to my amazing family and friends that got me through the toughest times. They made me feel that it is normal to be weird and that being weird is actually rad…so I just started embrace being my weird self and shit it felt that good.

From that day I started opening up about having bipolar and decided I wanted to share my story, so anyone going through a mental funk in this weird rad world would hopefully know that they are not alone. It’s amazing once you meet another mental funk amigo, you start talking and can finally let years of feelings you’ve had trapped inside flow free.  Once you start talking everything gets a little easier and it feels like you have found a long lost brother/sister, who just gets you and you’re no longer alone.

Unfortunately not everyone is making it easy for people suffering from mental funks. One thing that absolutely rips me in life, is how the media treats legends that have worked their ass off and as a result are in the public eye. They suffer from mental funks like anyone else you dickheads, so keep your cameras and bullshit words to your self. It sure can’t feel good to make someone feel so bad, so keep it to yourself or even better write something nice. We need to preserve the legends, so stop being dick heads. 

The sooner we realize that no body is normal and we celebrate every little weird thing about ourselves, the sooner we can beat mental funks and enjoy this amazing thing called life.

BIG BEAR HUG XX