Bipolar is best shared with friends...

It probably would have easier for me just to hide the fact I am a bipolar bear. I mean most people don't talk about mental illness, because they are embarrassed and think people will judge them. I’m not sure why we hide it…I mean we tell our mates if we have the man flu or a crazy headache. Why do we feel like we have to hide something like mental illness, that affects 1/5 people and takes so many good lives?

The old me would of hidden it. I was too worried about what people would think and didn’t want to hurt anyone. It was much easier just to pretend I was happy. When I first had to go and see a psychologist, I would check to see if I knew anyone was on the street, because I didn’t want them seeing me going to see a pych.

When I first was diagnosed with depression and put on medication, I didn’t want to tell my friends and I sure as hell didn’t want them to know I was on medication. The thing was I just kept blaming myself and thinking I have got no reason to be sad - my friends saw me as this happy dude and I didn’t want it to change. This made it worse because I was actually fighting the feelings instead of feeling them.

They say when you go through the toughest times, you learn the most about myself.  For me this was when I was diagnosed with bipolar in Manly hospital. Things had been so up and down for years, at least now I finally knew what I was dealing with and how I could manage it. When I was in hospital I decided for some reason I wasn’t going to hide the fact that I had bipolar. It may have been the drugs I was on, but for once I thought, who cares what people think. My true friends will stick by me and fuck the rest of them. It was crazy I was in hospital, just diagnosed with bipolar and I felt like I was finally discovering the real me. I decided I am not going to go out and shout to the world that I have bipolar, but if people asked why I had been acting so whack in the week before hospital or why I had been missing in action for a few weeks I would explain.

I started as soon as I got out of hospital. I went for a surf at Manly and bumped into a dude Sam who was Bar Manager at a bar in the Cross, where I got very loose at the night before I went into hospital.  He was like “what was up with you the other night man. You were hectic and you still have a $300 bar tab to pay”.  I was like, shit sorry man I have just come out of hospital and got diagnosed with bipolar. I was on the wrong medication and that’s why I was acting so crazy. He was so good and just said so sorry man; I hope that you’re ok.  The next person I told was the owner of the bar in the Cross. I jumped on the ferry and went and paid the $300 bar tab and explained why I had been so hectic.

The reaction I was getting from people who I didn’t even know very well was one of concern and support rather than judging me like some crazy dude. I figured that if these guys are showing me some love then my close amigos would have my back for sure.

When I went back to NZ I started telling some I my close friends in the surf. These guys were so so amazing over the next few months as I was still doing it real tough; trying to get over everything I had lost in Sydney. It felt so so good just to be open and not hide anything from them.  For once I didn’t have to act like I was happy when I was feeling like shit and they totally understood. After that whenever one of my friends asked me why I was back in NZ, I would tell them the real reason – that I have just found out I had bipolar and needed some time out to chill. I started to put myself out there and I was getting a whole lot of love and hugs back, so I decided this was going to be the way I would beat bipolar.

I started my making a video, telling my story and all the shit I had been through. I wanted to be able to show my family and friends so they could better understand what I was going through. This was one of the hardest most emotional things I have ever done, but shit by the end of it I felt like I had let go of so much built up sadness and anger. I sat down with my family and some of my friends and showed them and they were amazing. THANKS to my best bro Jay Reeve for saying “have you thought about sitting down in front of a camera and letting it all out?” Yeaah buddy big big love for having my back no matter what!

One of the things I said I wanted to do on the video was start a brand called BIG BEAR HUG, to raise awareness for bipolar. It was so rad having something positive to focus on and my good friend Elise Hislop designed this epic logo. But then I realized it wasn’t the best time to launch a brand, as I had to focus on my health, plus I didn’t have any cash. So this BIG BEAR HUG blog was something I thought about starting nearly two years ago, but I wasn’t ready.  Thanks to my family and friends for being there for me no matter what. Most things in life are best shared with friends and thanks to you legends, bipolar is one of themJ