Depression is a flaw in chemistry not character...

The first time I really started to understand how depression works, is when I saw the quote “depression is a flaw in chemistry not character”. This made me understand that depression is a chemical imbalance, it runs in the family and sometimes you need to take medication to fix it. Medication is a hard thing to talk about for me because I have had good experiences with it and really bad experiences. For some people taking medication is a reality every day, so we need to start talking about it if we are going to beat mental illness.

When I was struggling with depression and I went to seek help from the doctor, I was hoping like hell I wouldn’t be put on medication. I thought I could fix it myself. That day I escaped without medication and I was referred to a psychologist for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). For the next month the CBT sessions were all about trying to change the way I think to beat depression and anxiety. This helped for a while, but when I suffered from really bad anxiety and depression on a trip to Mexico, the CBT did not cut it. I was lucky to make it back to Sydney and when I did I knew that I had to go and see a psychiatrist to get help.

I was diagnosed with depression that day and I was put on anti-depressants. I was so embarrassed that I was on medication. I didn’t tell anyone apart from my girlfriend and family and when I picked up the prescription from the Pharmacy, I would always make sure no one was watching. Apparently it would take 4-6 weeks for the medication to kick in. Shit when it kicked in I changed the name of the medication to my ‘pepe pills’, because damn they made me feel good. It’s crazy, the simple things like going for a coffee or having a shower in the morning I couldn’t believe how good it felt. This gave me hope that things could get better and it changed my life…for a short time.  Unfortunately these anti depressants made me feel way too good. 3 months later during a week partying at the Aussie Surf Open I had a manic episode and ended up in Manly Hospital.

It turns out that I should never have been on these anti depressant because my Dad had bipolar and it was part of my chemistry. The anti depressants sent me too high and I thought I was living the dream, when actually I was doing the opposite. I was so pissed off at the world when I went into hospital that I didn’t want to take any medication, because I just didn’t trust it. Hospital was hell and I quickly realized that the only way I was going to ever get out of hospital, was to get better and to get better I needed to take my medication.

I was diagnosed with bipolar in hospital and put on lithium to balance out my mood and protect me from the extreme highs and lows. I hated lithium at the start because it dulled my mood and made it hard actually feel things. When I got out of hospital I had to change the lithium levels a bunch of times to get it right – too much medication and depression would kick in, not enough and I would start feeling edgy and I couldn’t sleep.

I have been on lithium medication for 2 years now. Sure it is a pain in the ass to take every morning, but I have accepted that for now it is part of my recipe for managing bipolar. I don’t want to risk ending up in hospital again. Everyday I am learning new ways to manage bipolar, so that one day I can be medication free. For me It’s all about doing more of the things that make me feel good like surfing and hanging with good humans and less of the things that make me feel shit. The way I see it, medication is not putting a bandage over my true feelings, it is helping fix my chemical imbalance so that the storm can pass and I can enjoy this amazing thing called life.

BIG BEAR HUG

We surf in ridiculous outfits, because it’s time to kick the stigmas of mental health!

It was about 10pm on a Thursday night in Feb last year, when I got home after a few beers and I was thinking…how the hell can we get more people talking about ONEWAVE and mental health? I had never surfed in a business suit, so I thought lets do this. I thought I had a fluro green one from Bali but I couldn’t find that…shit! I worked out my other suit was at the dry cleaner…bugger! I managed to find a shirt & tie… so boardies and shirt & tie it was.

At 6.30am the next morning I rocked down to Bondi by myself with my board meeting kit on –party on the bottom, business at the top. I was quietly shitting myself but on the other hand I was pumped. At last it felt like I had bipolar for a reason…to try and get more people talking about mental health.  I remember getting these weird looks from people and once I got into the surf the comments went from “Straight from the cross for a surf ay bro?” to  “Big night mate?” “Did ya lose a bet buddy?” My response to the first few was “nah got an early meeting – haven’t got time to change” Then I built up the courage to say “I’m dressed up for the ONEWAVE board meeting – we are raising awareness for mental health through surfing”. The reaction I got from some of the surfers when I said this deadset changed my life. You can surf the same break as someone for 10 years and have the usual convos about “how was ya weekend man?” “how was the Indo trip” but you actually don’t get to know how they are actually feeling. Surfers all look so relaxed, like they don’t have a problem in the world. Once you have one conversation with someone in the surf about there mental health, you actually get to meet the real person behind the chilled out surfer and that conversation, might just change someone’s life.  Walking back from the surf that day I was a mix of frothing and emotional… I thought maybe if we dress up in crazy outfits every week, we can actually spark more conversations about mental health.

Thanks to Sammy Samsum. Joel Pilgrim and a bunch of amazing humans we have kept the ridiculous outfits rolling every Fluro Friday at 6.30am, since Feb last year and the ONEWAVE crew keeps getting bigger. The outfits have now changed from board meeting attire to fluro radness…anything from Stretcheyz fluro onezies, matchy matchy flamingos, retro getup, animal suits, fluro budgee smugs...anything goes. We keep getting out of bed early because dressing in fluro and surfing with your mates is so much fun, but the big driver is smashing the stigma of mental health. 

If we were dressed in normal wetsuits people wouldn’t ask us what the hell we were dressed up for and we wouldn’t have the chance to spark a conversation about mental health.  Once you start opening up to people, it is so scary how many good humans, just like you and me have been affected. 1/5 people are affected by mental illness, which means there is a good chance some of your friends and family that are doing it tough, that you don't know about. There is one way we can change this and that is by being open and talking about it.  There is no better place to do this than in the ocean – ONEWAVE is all it takes to give you hope, that you can beat the funks of mental illness. So get your most epic fluro outfit ready and ya favourite craft and come and join the ONEWAVE crew for Fluro Friday - 6.30am at Bondi or Manly.

Thank you for your amazing support and making me feel that having bipolar is actually pretty damn rad. Lets go surf real soon. 

MahaloJ

BIG BEAR HUG

Don't fight the feelings..

The day I worked out it’s actually ok not to be happy all of the time, is the day I started living.

When I used to get down the old me would have been thinking “Why the hell am I not happy? I have a rad family, sweet job, so many good humans in my life. I thought I had no reason to be sad” That just made it so much worse because the negative vibes just kept building up…I was fighting the feelings instead of just feeling them and letting my feelings do their thing.

This resulted in me hiding just how depressed I actually was from my friends and family. I wanted them to still see me as this happy dude who loves life and I certainly didn’t want to go and see a doctor and admit I was suffering from the big black dog. Mum and Dad asked a bunch of times if I wanted to go see a doctor and I would always say “nah don’t worry I will be sweet”.

I didn’t realise at the time that if I had listened to my Mum & Dad then, I could have avoided being hit with crazy anxiety and depression on a trip to Mexico, where I nearly didn’t make it back. I could have avoided days and days of pretending I was happy when I was hurting like hell. I could have avoided being put on the wrong medication, which led to a manic episode at the Aussie surf open and 10 days in the mental health ward of Manly hospital. But hey they say everything happens for a reason, and yep sometimes these things hurt like hell...but at least now I know I have bipolar and everyday I’m learning how to live life as a bipolar bear.

Quite a few people ask me what bipolar actually is. The way I see it is that everyone experiences highs and lows in life and if you have bipolar like me the lows are a bit lower than most people and the highs are a bit higher. It’s all about finding the right recipe to stay balanced, so you can make the most of the good things about having bipolar. One part of my recipe I have discovered is feeling the feelings instead of fighting them. If I’m feeling down, I’m like shit I need to do something to get the positive vibes going instead of getting frustrated at myself.  So I grab my  board and go for a surf or hang with my family or friends and talk about whats going on or sometimes I just wanna chill by myself. The one thing I know is that with time the negative vibes will pass, I just need to ride it out.

One of the important things for me is realizing that it’s ok to have shit days because it makes the good days even radder. It just feels good to be yourself and you realise pretty quick who the good humans in your life are. Feelings are there to be felt, so let them flow and the good vibes will follow.

BIG BEAR HUG

THANKS to you rad humans, 2013 has been the year I have...embraced having bipolar and I have got nothing but big love and kindness in return.

In Feb this year when we launched Onewave I started to open up more about having bipolar. If people asked why we started Onewave, I would tell them how I had been diagnosed with bipolar and how surfing had helped me get through a funk.  I didn’t know what the reaction would be. I didn’t know whether people would freak out or just wouldn’t know what to say.

I have been so lucky that I have had the most amazing humans around me this year – family, friends and strangers. Not only have you made me feel it is ok to have bipolar, but you have inspired me to keep sharing my story. THANK YOU for your rad love and support- you have given me the confidence back to be myself again and that feels effin radJ

Since putting myself out there, I have discovered that there are so many other people, just like you and me, who are impacted by mental illness. We don’t pick mental illness it chooses us and sometimes it is the people you least expect that it hits. Some people are open about it and others choose to hide it from their friends and family because there is still so much social stigma out there. The crazy thing is, we are all trying to find a way to beat it, because it hurts like hell, but it is so damn hard, because we don’t talk about it.

If your lucky you might find the right doctor and pych straight away, but if you are like me you might struggle for months to find the right help. I used to really struggle going to sit in those shit little rooms and talking to a pych, who never really seemed to understand me. I mean it made me feel good for a bit, but then the hour was up and I had to leave and pay $150 and I was left wondering what next?

What did make me feel bloody good was talking to someone who also been affected by mental illness.  I was so lucky to meet a few good humans through Onewave who also have bipolar and always having my Dad to talk to. It was like talking to a long lost brother. Being able to go out for a surf and talk to a mate about how they coped with bipolar was the best therapy for me. Just knowing that I wasn’t the only one and I had other bipolar bears to call up if I needed help was unreal.

I didn’t choose to have bipolar, it chose me but thanks to my rad friends and family 2013 has been the year I have learn’t that it doesn’t matter who you are or what you have, if you embrace it and put yourself out there, you will get a whole lot of love and kindness back.

THANK YOU legends for making this happen:)) If you ever need anyone to talk to about anything, I am here anytime.

Happy New Year y'all...Hope you all have a RAD RAD 2014!!! 

PEACE, LOVE & BIG BEAR HUGs XX