Everyone needs a good wingman...

When I was going through a funk, what I was looking for most was a good wingman. Someone who I could trust and have my back ALWAYS. Unfortunately, my experience with doctors, psychologists and psychiatrist’s during my ups and downs has been mostly shit house. It’s not the easiest thing to write about, but I want to shed some light on it, because I nearly gave up hope and I really hope others don’t have to deal with the same shit.

 To start with, when I finally had the balls to go see a doctor and say, "I’m struggling, I need help", they made me fill out this stupid form rating my happiness from 1-10. I was like, "look at me, I just said I was struggling. It’s taken me 10 years to finally admit I need help and you make me do a happiness survey. FML". My relationship with this doctor was over there and then. The best she could do was book an appointment with a psychologist in 6 weeks. 6 weeks…are you serious?? This is the point where I walk out and pay for shit service. In a restaurant you get your money back if food is bad! Why doesn’t that happen with doctors?

The visit to the psychologist 6 weeks later, started off ok. I told my life story and we practiced some cognitive behavioral therapy. This actually made me feel pretty good. The only thing is that I was then misdiagnosed with perfectionism. This meant no medication, which I was stoked about at the time. Unfortunately this didn’t help when I had a severe anxiety/depression episode in Mexico, where CBT just didn’t cut it. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I nearly gave up hope. I was so lucky I made it back to Sydney.

Mum and Dad were waiting for me in Sydney when I got back. We rang around trying to get an appointment with any psychiatrist we could find, but we had no luck. Then one day we got lucky…well we thought we did. Mum and Dad were in the room when I told the psychiatrist my history with mental health issues in our family and that Dad had bipolar. That day he put me on some antidepressants that I would later find out, were not meant to be given to anyone who has a family history of bipolar. Basically, they can take you from the lowest low to the highest high (manic). I found this out 3 months later when I ended up in Manly Manly hospital mental health ward after a week partying at the Australian Open of Surfing.

In hospital, I got put on a concoction of medication because I was still in my own World, dancing around like MJ. I remember one night I woke up and I couldn’t feel my legs and I could hardly see. I stumbled to the nurse’s station and knocked on the window and was like, "What the hell have you given me? I can’t fuckin' see". She shut the window, so I threw the medication at her. I’m not usually an angry dude, but hell, you spend a week in a mental health hospital and it’s hard not to be. After that I worked out how to beat the system. If I just were super quiet, didn’t get excited and do heaps of yoga, I might get out. If I was too happy and danced around they would probably think I’m still manic. It worked and I was diagnosed with bipolar and set free.

My next bad experience was when I returned back to Sydney after 5 months recovering in NZ. I went to see this doctor who was meant to be a mental health specialist. It turns out he was a dickhead specialist. He told me “do you know that only so many % of people with bipolar can handle a normal job” and “what are you doing in Sydney, when you could be in NZ? You’re probably not going to get a job” I wish I told him to fuck himself, but I honestly couldn’t speak. I just walked out and started crying. The crying didn’t last long. This turned into more motivation to show that people with bipolar can get shit done!

Luckily, I did finally meet one legend doctor, through a friend who also suffers from funks like me. This Doctor ledge made me feel normal for having bipolar and he got my medication level right. We would often crack up laughing when we caught up. That doesn’t happen much at the doctors and I often find laughing at myself the best medicine. Unfortunately the last time I went to see him he had moved overseas. Shit!

So yep, I’ve had some shit experiences and it has caused me a lot of pain, but above all else, this has allowed me to discover the real me…yep I have bipolar, yep I’m happy and yep I still have down days…I’m only human. This has also allowed me to discover the real wingmen in my life. The ones I can trust and have my back no matter what. My amazing family has ALWAYS had my back. My Dad Brucey also has bipolar, so we would go surfing and share stories. Brucey made me feel good about having bipolar, because he is such a legend. My Mum Alison is the kindest loving human I know. When I wasn’t surfing and I needed to talk about anything, she was there. Whenever I needed to go to see another medical dickhead she would take me. She wanted to punch the doctors in the nuts just as much me. My sister Lee & hubby Matt, my big bro Aaron & wife Kylee and my little bro Scott & wife Chloe are my best mates and are the definition of good wingmen. They were ALWAYS there for me when I needed them and I will never forget it. My friends including the Onewave crew have been such good humans. They make me feel normal about having bipolar, rather than ashamed.  They have helped so much with my recovery, because I could talk to others who had been through a similar funk.

So…no matter what you’re doing in life you always need a good wingman. When you’re going through a funk you need them even more. Make sure you find someone you can trust, that understands you and lock them in. A good wingman could change your life. 

Anxiety is not my friend.

I’m not normally a hater…but there is one thing I hate like nothing on earth and that is anxiety. Anxiety brings nothing but bad vibes. How can something change someone from being a happy, confident, chilled person to… someone who can’t even face opening emails at work, someone who can’t leave the bathroom at work after they thought they screwed up a presentation, someone who can’t face going to work because they thought they really screwed up a presentation, someone who can’t go out and face their friends, someone who can’t leave a hotel room in Mexico because they have nearly given up hope. That happened to me and anxiety turned me into completely different human...a human I don’t want to see again.

The thing with anxiety is that you don’t know when it’s going to show up. It just turns up when you least expect it and makes you doubt every little thing about yourself.  I wish I could see it coming, so I could just kick it in the balls. The thing I have discovered living with bipolar, is that it's not just about trying to balance the ups and downs; it is the anxiety in between that can really knock you down. I was in Bali last week and I arrived from NZ ready for this epic holiday. What I forgot about was how much changing time zones can screw me over sometimes with bipolar. It was only 4 hours time difference, but I was waking up at 3am every morning for the first few days. When I can’t sleep I get anxiety. For the first few days I was super anxious. As soon as I got in the ocean surfing the anxiety eased, but it took a few days to really relax. So anxiety will try and wreck your holidays as well. I used to try and fight the feelings, but this made it worse. Now If I feel it coming now I know I need to get in the ocean asap, I need to talk about it and I need sleep. If I try and hide it, anxiety really sucks the life out of me.

I am seeing less and less of anxiety, but it still turns up uninvited from time to time. Anxiety is the giver of bad vibes and ain’t nobody got time for that. All I know is that anxiety is not my friend, it never will be and it sure as hell won’t be invited to my wedding!! Whenever that is haha.

BIG BEAR HUG

Good feeling...

Have you ever had that feeling in life where you think at last everything is going right…when only hours later you’re completely lost? We had just set up Onewave back in Feb last year and I was so frickin excited, because it finally felt like I had bipolar for a reason…to raise awareness for mental health and encourage others use the ocean and surfing as a way of coping.

I set up the Onewave Instagram account and it was helloo to OW Insta surfing and good-bye to sleep. I did a couple of all nighters just trying to get the Insta going. I didn’t realise at the time how much lack of sleep impacts someone with bipolar. All of sudden I couldn’t sit still and felt so so edgy. Lucky my buddy Sam was around and we just walked the streets of Bondi for a while and then just sat and watched the waves. Then the next day I couldn’t get this song out of my head…”oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling yeah”. When I was getting ready for a surf I could hear it, when I was sitting out in the ocean I could hear it. It felt like there was a DJ playing up on the beach, but I was the only one that could hear it. The surf was the only place I could really relax. I didn’t really want to be around people, which was crazy for me. If I wasn’t in the ocean you could find me sitting on the South Bondi grass mind surfing with my headphones on.

One day later my parents had arrived from NZ to hangout. We were having breakfast at a café In Bondi when I decided I wanted to go and check the surf. I had my headphones on and must have been dancing too hard down the beach, because half an hour later I was getting handcuffed and taken to hospital. I have never been so angry in my life…I mean I had dealt with been taken to hospital once for a manic episode and I deserved it that time, but a second time, when I was just dancing around, not hurting anyone that fuckin hurt big time.  Why did it take 6 Police to handcuff a dude who just wants to dance around to ‘good feeling’? Seriously!

I really gave it to the ambulance staff, so sorry about that, but that’s what happens when you go from having a good feeling to having the worst feeling…for me that was arriving at the mental health ward of the Prince Of Whales Hospital in Darlinghurst.  I was out of control when I got in there. I just couldn’t believe I was back in hospital again. The only way they could settle me down was an injection in my ass, but I tried to fight it, until it felt like they were going to break my arm, then I gave up. Then I woke up I was devastated…the highest high to the lowest low. It was such a battle to get through my first hospital stint and I was a back again a year later when I thought I was doing everything right. That’s the thing with bipolar, sometimes when you’re feeling so so good things can actually go so so wrong real quick. That is such a hard thing to deal with.

I knew I had to find something positive to focus on real quick in hospital: For me that was:

• ·      Visits from my Family everyday
• ·      Music and my big headphones – When everyone else was sleeping I would just cut big shapes around the lounge. Because I couldn’t surf this was the best therapy for me. It made me laugh and kept me sane. I wish I had videos it would probs be the worst dancing ever, but man it felt good
• ·      Yoga with my music – I’m no yogi but this was my escape from people yelling in my air and asking me if I had any ciggies
• ·      Planning Onewave ideas for when I got out – this kept me made me think this hospital visit happened for a reason and gave me hope
• ·      Meeting new amigos in there and hearing their story

After 5 days I managed to get out of hospital and get back in the ocean with my Dad and my brother. The ‘good feeling’ song had gone in my head and the Ocean was the feeling I really needed…onewave really is all it takes. Over 1 year later and I have not been back to hospital. I’m a bipolar bear through and through and I have a weird and fun outlook on life, but for me that’s living and that’s what us bipolar bears do best. Thanks to all my amigos for the love and support during the tough times…I will never forget it!

BIG BEAR HUG XX

What’s normal anyway…

I spent so many years worrying about what people think. Trying to act happy all of the time, because I thought it wasn’t normal to go through a mental funk and be down on life. This is crazy because what’s normal anyway? I think the sooner you realize that being normal is whatever you want it to be…the sooner you get to accept and celebrate your inner weirdness.

It’s not as easy as it sounds though. When you go through a mental funk you start to question everything about your life and all you want to do is fit in and be normal. The stigma surrounding mental health doesn’t help. Some people who have not been through it or seen loved ones suffer, throw around the terms anxiety, depression and bipolar like they are just an excuse for crazy behavior. I have heard people throw around the word bipolar, to explain someone who is up one day and down the next “oh they must have bipolar”– just because they think they are not acting what they think is normal. People need to get off their ass and realize that we were not born on this earth to be normal and if people are acting a little different either embrace it, or leave them alone to do their thing.

I used to want to be normal and be friends with everyone. That was before I nearly lost my life to bipolar disorder.  I went from doing marketing for a tequila brand and having all these party friends to finding out pretty quickly who my real friends really were. When you disappear to Manly hospital for 2 weeks and then NZ for 3 months, you really find out who your true friends are…the ones that will come and visit you in the mental health hospital. The ones that will just hang out and listen to you, no matter what. The ones that will get you back out in the ocean surfing, when you really want to stay in bed. The ones that will help you find a way to share your story to give you hope that you can turn this funk into something positive. The ones that make you feel good no matter what. I owe my life to my amazing family and friends that got me through the toughest times. They made me feel that it is normal to be weird and that being weird is actually rad…so I just started embrace being my weird self and shit it felt that good.

From that day I started opening up about having bipolar and decided I wanted to share my story, so anyone going through a mental funk in this weird rad world would hopefully know that they are not alone. It’s amazing once you meet another mental funk amigo, you start talking and can finally let years of feelings you’ve had trapped inside flow free.  Once you start talking everything gets a little easier and it feels like you have found a long lost brother/sister, who just gets you and you’re no longer alone.

Unfortunately not everyone is making it easy for people suffering from mental funks. One thing that absolutely rips me in life, is how the media treats legends that have worked their ass off and as a result are in the public eye. They suffer from mental funks like anyone else you dickheads, so keep your cameras and bullshit words to your self. It sure can’t feel good to make someone feel so bad, so keep it to yourself or even better write something nice. We need to preserve the legends, so stop being dick heads. 

The sooner we realize that no body is normal and we celebrate every little weird thing about ourselves, the sooner we can beat mental funks and enjoy this amazing thing called life.

BIG BEAR HUG XX

Depression is a flaw in chemistry not character...

The first time I really started to understand how depression works, is when I saw the quote “depression is a flaw in chemistry not character”. This made me understand that depression is a chemical imbalance, it runs in the family and sometimes you need to take medication to fix it. Medication is a hard thing to talk about for me because I have had good experiences with it and really bad experiences. For some people taking medication is a reality every day, so we need to start talking about it if we are going to beat mental illness.

When I was struggling with depression and I went to seek help from the doctor, I was hoping like hell I wouldn’t be put on medication. I thought I could fix it myself. That day I escaped without medication and I was referred to a psychologist for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). For the next month the CBT sessions were all about trying to change the way I think to beat depression and anxiety. This helped for a while, but when I suffered from really bad anxiety and depression on a trip to Mexico, the CBT did not cut it. I was lucky to make it back to Sydney and when I did I knew that I had to go and see a psychiatrist to get help.

I was diagnosed with depression that day and I was put on anti-depressants. I was so embarrassed that I was on medication. I didn’t tell anyone apart from my girlfriend and family and when I picked up the prescription from the Pharmacy, I would always make sure no one was watching. Apparently it would take 4-6 weeks for the medication to kick in. Shit when it kicked in I changed the name of the medication to my ‘pepe pills’, because damn they made me feel good. It’s crazy, the simple things like going for a coffee or having a shower in the morning I couldn’t believe how good it felt. This gave me hope that things could get better and it changed my life…for a short time.  Unfortunately these anti depressants made me feel way too good. 3 months later during a week partying at the Aussie Surf Open I had a manic episode and ended up in Manly Hospital.

It turns out that I should never have been on these anti depressant because my Dad had bipolar and it was part of my chemistry. The anti depressants sent me too high and I thought I was living the dream, when actually I was doing the opposite. I was so pissed off at the world when I went into hospital that I didn’t want to take any medication, because I just didn’t trust it. Hospital was hell and I quickly realized that the only way I was going to ever get out of hospital, was to get better and to get better I needed to take my medication.

I was diagnosed with bipolar in hospital and put on lithium to balance out my mood and protect me from the extreme highs and lows. I hated lithium at the start because it dulled my mood and made it hard actually feel things. When I got out of hospital I had to change the lithium levels a bunch of times to get it right – too much medication and depression would kick in, not enough and I would start feeling edgy and I couldn’t sleep.

I have been on lithium medication for 2 years now. Sure it is a pain in the ass to take every morning, but I have accepted that for now it is part of my recipe for managing bipolar. I don’t want to risk ending up in hospital again. Everyday I am learning new ways to manage bipolar, so that one day I can be medication free. For me It’s all about doing more of the things that make me feel good like surfing and hanging with good humans and less of the things that make me feel shit. The way I see it, medication is not putting a bandage over my true feelings, it is helping fix my chemical imbalance so that the storm can pass and I can enjoy this amazing thing called life.

BIG BEAR HUG